The 72 Visitors

The following is based on a joke that Loki (Tim Kerlin) once told during one of his Internet radio broadcasts.
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After being killed by the American forces who stormed his compound, Osama bin Laden wakes up to find himself in a place that's even hotter than the deserts of Saudi Arabia.  He finds it hard to either breathe or move, but is still able to cry out, "Allah, where am I, and where are my 72 virgins?"

After some time, bin Laden is approached by an American Indian, who proceeds to shoot an arrow into bin Laden's midsection.  He feels the pain of the arrow penetrating his flesh, but suffers no other effects, because he is already dead.  The Indian draws closer, which causes bin Laden to wonder if he's going to get scalped.

"Who are you?", asks the dead terrorist, wanting to know who has tormented him.

"My name is Powhatan", the Indian replies, "I am the leader of the Powhatan Confederation."

Powhatan pulls the arrow out of bin Laden's body, giving him another burst of pain, and then walks away.

A second man approaches Osama bin Laden.  He is tall and European-looking, and wears a powdered wig on his head.   Although bin Laden loathes the United States, he has studied enough of its history to recognize its first president, George Washington.  The man who could not tell a lie draws his sword and pierces bin Laden with it.  As with Powhatan's arrow, bin Laden feels the pain of being pierced, but suffers no other effects.

After Washington leaves bin Laden, another European-looking man approaches.  This one has red hair, and is carrying a copy of the Koran.  Once again, bin Laden is served by his knowledge of his enemy's history, and recognizes this man to be Thomas Jefferson.

"Why, Infidel, do you have the Holy Koran?" bin Laden asks Jefferson.

"I read the Koran to learn how to deal with filthy scum like you", Jefferson answers, before walking away.

Bin Laden is similarly visited by James Madison, who merely slaps him in the face, and by William Henry Harrison, Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson, who like George Washington earlier, thrust their swords into him.

After several other men take their turns at approaching, tormenting and leaving Osama bin Laden, two women approach him.  Bin Laden is horrified that their heads aren't covered.  As he wonders who could be so brazen as to uncover their heads, they identify themselves as Ella Fitzgerald and Pearl Bailey.  Then, to his horror, they start singing a duet.  To most people, being serenaded by Ella Fitzgerald and Pearl Bailey would be very enjoyable, but to a music-hating Muslim fundamentalist like bin Laden, it is sickening.

Later on, bin Laden is visited by Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson, who tell him that he should have accepted Jesus as his savior.

"But I have always revered the prophet Isa", bin Laden protests.

"Yes, he was prophet, but that was not his only mission", Falwell explains.

"You did not accept him as your savior, and that is why you are here", Robertson adds, before the two preachers walk away.

Numerous others arrive to torment bin Laden and leave him, until he hears a voice saying, "This is the last one."

A young black man, holding a pit bull by the leash, approaches bin Laden, who is revulsed by the presence of a dog.  "My name is Michael Vick", says the man, who then turns the dog on bin Laden.  The pit bull takes several bites out of bin Laden, who feels the pain of being bitten, but again suffers no other effects.  Vick pulls the dog away from the terrorist and like everyone else before him, takes his leave.  Bin Laden sees the dog spit out the pieces of his flesh.  This is because the dog is likewise revulsed by bin Laden.

Finally, bin Laden is approached by a man who looks and dresses like an Arab.  Although bin Laden has never seen any pictures of Mohammed, he somehow realizes that he is now being visited by the founder of Islam.

"Oh prophet, peace be upon you", bin Laden cries out, and then asks, "What has happened to me?"

"I'm afraid that a typographical error has arisen during the copying and translation of the Holy Koran", Mohammed explains.  "In reality, we are each to be visited, not by 72 virgins, but by 72 Virginians."